Nothing compares to friends. The interesting thing is that my cynical personality has kept me away from making friends for a long time. By cynical I mean distrusting and quick to assume it would be too much drama. Sometimes it can be but the other 99.9% of the time, I am grateful how easy it has become.
I believe I was one of those girls who was more comfortable with boys. They were a known evil. I had only brothers and male cousins. There was also my lack of role model. My Mom didn't have many friends. She often restricted my friendships as a child making me an outsider. So I hurtled into adulthood lacking some social skills.
Then there is the social anxiety. Not joking. Walking in to a room of people I know is horrifying. Saying goodbye to a room of people I know is horrifying. Yet I force myself to wave. Even acknowledging someone I know on the street may create an overwhelming urge to cross the street.
Then there is the fact I married someone in this small town who knows a LOT of people who now know me by default. They are in the rooms I walk into, they walk down the street and talk to me and they are whom I practice my social skills with.
On everyday that ends with a "y" I wish it was natural. I don't like being the center of attention or being put on the spot. I hide. My dream of being a rock star isn't likely due to the fact that I will have to hire someone to do the rock star part.
Yet, I have 3 amazing girlfriends. They came into my life when my walls were down due to circumstances and I let them in without really over thinking. What a joy to have friends to talk to, drink wine with and make plans with. We all have busy lives of work, school, kids, and relationships. We are all being swallowed by the same wave of life and there are times we cling together to keep afloat. That survival has bonded us. Has it always been easy? No. The part that I appreciate the most though, is there aren't wild expectations. We just roll with it, looking forward to the next time we get together and laugh. I also love our differences. There is a free spirit, a wandering spirit and 2 of us are old spirits. Together we fill out the corners of what a good relationship can look like.
I saw a painting yesterday at a home décor store of 4 older women in bikini's playfully mooning the camera. It reminded me of the adventures that are around the corner and how thankful I am to have them. Nothing compares. I need to get back to that store and buy that picture!
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Monday, May 27, 2013
I Get Carried Away
My thoughts this evening are inspired by Passion Pit "Carried Away". The lyrics made me think of all the times I haven't made an ugly scene. When I could have.
I was reading a post from an acquaintance on Facebook and it was rude to say the least. Then I read an email from someone who can type for a page and say nothing. I went back and forth about making snarky comments but I didn't. What I'm wondering is, why? We've all met those people who don't have a filter. I am offended, put-off and generally annoyed by them. Yet, I rarely say anything in response to their comments, online or personally. Even when I usually have a really strong response to their ridiculousness!
One reason, is because I don't think quickly on my feet. I always have the right thing to say 5 minutes later. I don't look at that as a weakness because when I need time to think about responding in a tricky situation, I am really good at not jumping the gun and saying something I will immediately regret. This is a very learned response from years of speaking to parents and students, years of being on committee's and executives and now, a few years of having teenagers. Yet, in the situation of the chronically rude, I fall short.
Another reason is because I don't really think it will make a difference so why waste my energy? Have you noticed rude people don't particularly care about your opinion? They're too rude to notice how most people don't really like them. I generally don't make it my job to inform them of this fact.
The third reason is I spend my day correcting behavior in the hopes that the small people I have the joy being with, grow up to be productive citizens. I'm not kidding. Have you spent anytime in the vicinity of children? They are awesome and inspirational but they can be rude. So I redirect, correct and love them anyway. There, I just found one of the causes to my passive aggressive behavior towards rude people. I believe kindness is powerful and by stooping the level of a toilet seat, I won't accomplish what I would like!
So what would it look like if I turned off my filter? Well in those few moments of what I consider weakness, I have lost my shit. I have yelled, I have screamed, I have tossed out, I have walked out. It's not pretty. Those who love me the most have had the privilege of seeing that side of me. It's not just spitting out a rude comment, or saying what I really think. It's a meltdown. It feels amazing for about 10 seconds and then I start re-living my lack of control. So, that would be the center of things for me. I see being rude and crass as a lack of self-control. I'm not ashamed to admit I have spent some serious fuming about certain people, yet that is all. Fuming and perhaps venting to my husband or friend. I have created the perfect movie scene where I finally tell them exactly how irritating they are. Somehow, those have become my coping strategies. Perhaps, there will be a time in my life when I don't care anymore but I hope not. In the end, I tend to respect people who say things that are meaningful and useful. I tend to dismiss people who never close their hot air balloon! I won't ever tell you that to your face but maybe you can take a hint because I'm irritated and I just might get carried away.
I was reading a post from an acquaintance on Facebook and it was rude to say the least. Then I read an email from someone who can type for a page and say nothing. I went back and forth about making snarky comments but I didn't. What I'm wondering is, why? We've all met those people who don't have a filter. I am offended, put-off and generally annoyed by them. Yet, I rarely say anything in response to their comments, online or personally. Even when I usually have a really strong response to their ridiculousness!
One reason, is because I don't think quickly on my feet. I always have the right thing to say 5 minutes later. I don't look at that as a weakness because when I need time to think about responding in a tricky situation, I am really good at not jumping the gun and saying something I will immediately regret. This is a very learned response from years of speaking to parents and students, years of being on committee's and executives and now, a few years of having teenagers. Yet, in the situation of the chronically rude, I fall short.
Another reason is because I don't really think it will make a difference so why waste my energy? Have you noticed rude people don't particularly care about your opinion? They're too rude to notice how most people don't really like them. I generally don't make it my job to inform them of this fact.
The third reason is I spend my day correcting behavior in the hopes that the small people I have the joy being with, grow up to be productive citizens. I'm not kidding. Have you spent anytime in the vicinity of children? They are awesome and inspirational but they can be rude. So I redirect, correct and love them anyway. There, I just found one of the causes to my passive aggressive behavior towards rude people. I believe kindness is powerful and by stooping the level of a toilet seat, I won't accomplish what I would like!
So what would it look like if I turned off my filter? Well in those few moments of what I consider weakness, I have lost my shit. I have yelled, I have screamed, I have tossed out, I have walked out. It's not pretty. Those who love me the most have had the privilege of seeing that side of me. It's not just spitting out a rude comment, or saying what I really think. It's a meltdown. It feels amazing for about 10 seconds and then I start re-living my lack of control. So, that would be the center of things for me. I see being rude and crass as a lack of self-control. I'm not ashamed to admit I have spent some serious fuming about certain people, yet that is all. Fuming and perhaps venting to my husband or friend. I have created the perfect movie scene where I finally tell them exactly how irritating they are. Somehow, those have become my coping strategies. Perhaps, there will be a time in my life when I don't care anymore but I hope not. In the end, I tend to respect people who say things that are meaningful and useful. I tend to dismiss people who never close their hot air balloon! I won't ever tell you that to your face but maybe you can take a hint because I'm irritated and I just might get carried away.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Dear Mom...
Dear Mom,
It's spring break for the girls and the last few days we took at road trip to the mountain's to ski. Today, driving home we passed the Three Sisters and I thought of you. I couldn't sleep tonight and I've been thinking of you so much, so I thought I could write you a letter.
The first thing is I can't believe the 2 year anniversary of your death is coming up soon. I think back two years ago and wonder what we were doing? I can feel the anguish and see you in your hospital bed at home but I can't really remember what was happening. I find it funny that when I think of you I never think about you being sick or how you looked when you passed away but I see the vibrant you with your beautiful red hair, makeup done and jewelry on. I want you to know that I wear that jewelry now and I feel like you're with me somehow. I still have a really hard time wearing your 40th anniversary ruby because it was your last gift from Dad at Christmas and I know how excited you were to get that. I save it for special occasions.
There are so many things that have happened in 2 years. First of all, Ryan got married to an amazing and wonderful woman named Rachael. You would love her. You might have gone a little crazy with the wedding and we laugh about how "easy" Ryan had things when it came to planning because Dad isn't very difficult to work with. They had a beautiful day, being married at the farm and you were there with us. We kept you close.
Secondly, the kids. There are so many days and times I think of how it's not fair that you are missing all the wonderful moments with my kids. We all miss you. Emily was just talking about you today about what a good sewer you were and how you would have known how to fix her yoga pants that have a hole in the knee. Mom, she is just as busy and challenging as she was at 2. Mostly, she is a joy and too smart for her own good. She is just about done Grade 6 and she wants to be so grown up. She reminds me of myself that way. I need to remind her to enjoy the moment more and not always wish it was something else. She might also have the Parker perfection gene which adds to her frustration at the rest of us mere mortals. I know exactly what you would say about that, and we wouldn't agree but you'd tell me anyways. She has a lot of complaints and you were always the one who understood the challenges of being the baby of the family. I know she misses that.
Jared is in his first year mechanics and right now he's going to college for 8 weeks to do the schooling portion. I'm so proud of him. There have been so many amazing moments with that kid in the past 2 years. He graduated high school and it was bitter sweet. I know, more that anyone else, you wanted to be there for that day. Everyone who loved him came and we celebrated that he made it! I had a party in the backyard just like you would have had to celebrate a special day. He was busy at the school doing "graduate" things and we filled the backyard with family and friends and had a BBQ without him. Strange but it worked. He walked across that stage and I was so proud of him. He then started working full time and here we are 9 months later and he's almost done his first year! He's becoming a grown-up. He's lived at home this year and had his Dad to guide him in the money area and selfishly, I love having him here so I know he's okay. As he walked out the door this week for school, I actually asked him where his coat was because he wasn't wearing one and it was -10. I got the "look" and realized he's 19, he can wear whatever he wants. I see his wings are almost ready to fly and I will happily send food and money to wherever he decides to go. The next year should be very interesting and my heart will break a little to let him go but that's what Mom's do, they let go. You taught me that by not letting go and driving me crazy:)
Kate. My beautiful girl who is quiet and non-adventurous. She doesn't like trying new things or new people. Of course she as a teenage life that is completely hidden from us and our nosy questions. She has started to separate herself to try and find out who she is. So far, when I don't want to lock her in her room forever because she argues, I love her funny personality and confidence. Mom, she has this self assuredness that I didn't even realize was possible until I was at least 25. She is a mysterious book that I'd love to read when she lets me. I continue to pry and be "not cool" as much as possible. She has a strong artistic side that will lead her somewhere special. My greatest hope for her is that these next few years she keeps that strong sense of self and her quick wit. I continue to find her so lovely to be around and when she's not, I try and remember this is normal. She's just getting her wings!
Gord is still that guy you had a long list of complaints about. I know he challenged you by not taking the path the rest of us did and NOT arguing with you when it was just easier to let you have your way. I will admit that I don't miss being stuck in the middle of you two and your power struggles. I know that even as you were leaving us you worried that maybe Gord wasn't the right for me but after thinking about it for awhile, I realized he wasn't the right guy for you. You wouldn't appreciate the humor in that but I do! Know that he is my best friend and I love him. I accept him the way he is because he does the same for me and lets me grow and become who I need to be. We'll be married 17 years this summer Mom.
Dad is doing really great. He works a lot still but he's finally decided to retire. We have plans to take a vacation, the whole family, to somewhere warm next December. Dad and I are going to visit your sisters next week. We started this a month after you died and it was a relief to get away from the farm and the grief and be with your sisters. They remind me of you and it's comforting and being with them is like being home. I enjoy it so much and I really like being with Dad. I wasn't sure how we would travel together but we are 2 peas in a pod. Easy going and just needing bathroom and coffee/tea breaks going up the coastal highway. He talks about you when we are there and remembers all the special memories and I think its therapeutic for us both! The added bonus is it's spring time there and they have green grass.
Me for last. I am working again and it is very satisfying and equally exhausting. I'm having some troubles again with pain so I'm going back to Dr Cho and my back isn't ever going to be normal but I am thankful for the good days I am having. My fusion is healthy so that is a bonus. I am living life differently. I enjoy the little things and take pleasure in most things. What a joy it is to be active and able to be with my kids. That drive I used to have that kept me going a full speed has quieted so I can enjoy more and slow down. I'm also not sure how long my health will last so I'm taking advantage of the good times by travelling a lot, working a little and doing all the Mom running around.
Not a day goes by when I don't think of you and wish you were here.
Love you always,
Jen
It's spring break for the girls and the last few days we took at road trip to the mountain's to ski. Today, driving home we passed the Three Sisters and I thought of you. I couldn't sleep tonight and I've been thinking of you so much, so I thought I could write you a letter.
The first thing is I can't believe the 2 year anniversary of your death is coming up soon. I think back two years ago and wonder what we were doing? I can feel the anguish and see you in your hospital bed at home but I can't really remember what was happening. I find it funny that when I think of you I never think about you being sick or how you looked when you passed away but I see the vibrant you with your beautiful red hair, makeup done and jewelry on. I want you to know that I wear that jewelry now and I feel like you're with me somehow. I still have a really hard time wearing your 40th anniversary ruby because it was your last gift from Dad at Christmas and I know how excited you were to get that. I save it for special occasions.
There are so many things that have happened in 2 years. First of all, Ryan got married to an amazing and wonderful woman named Rachael. You would love her. You might have gone a little crazy with the wedding and we laugh about how "easy" Ryan had things when it came to planning because Dad isn't very difficult to work with. They had a beautiful day, being married at the farm and you were there with us. We kept you close.
Secondly, the kids. There are so many days and times I think of how it's not fair that you are missing all the wonderful moments with my kids. We all miss you. Emily was just talking about you today about what a good sewer you were and how you would have known how to fix her yoga pants that have a hole in the knee. Mom, she is just as busy and challenging as she was at 2. Mostly, she is a joy and too smart for her own good. She is just about done Grade 6 and she wants to be so grown up. She reminds me of myself that way. I need to remind her to enjoy the moment more and not always wish it was something else. She might also have the Parker perfection gene which adds to her frustration at the rest of us mere mortals. I know exactly what you would say about that, and we wouldn't agree but you'd tell me anyways. She has a lot of complaints and you were always the one who understood the challenges of being the baby of the family. I know she misses that.
Jared is in his first year mechanics and right now he's going to college for 8 weeks to do the schooling portion. I'm so proud of him. There have been so many amazing moments with that kid in the past 2 years. He graduated high school and it was bitter sweet. I know, more that anyone else, you wanted to be there for that day. Everyone who loved him came and we celebrated that he made it! I had a party in the backyard just like you would have had to celebrate a special day. He was busy at the school doing "graduate" things and we filled the backyard with family and friends and had a BBQ without him. Strange but it worked. He walked across that stage and I was so proud of him. He then started working full time and here we are 9 months later and he's almost done his first year! He's becoming a grown-up. He's lived at home this year and had his Dad to guide him in the money area and selfishly, I love having him here so I know he's okay. As he walked out the door this week for school, I actually asked him where his coat was because he wasn't wearing one and it was -10. I got the "look" and realized he's 19, he can wear whatever he wants. I see his wings are almost ready to fly and I will happily send food and money to wherever he decides to go. The next year should be very interesting and my heart will break a little to let him go but that's what Mom's do, they let go. You taught me that by not letting go and driving me crazy:)
Kate. My beautiful girl who is quiet and non-adventurous. She doesn't like trying new things or new people. Of course she as a teenage life that is completely hidden from us and our nosy questions. She has started to separate herself to try and find out who she is. So far, when I don't want to lock her in her room forever because she argues, I love her funny personality and confidence. Mom, she has this self assuredness that I didn't even realize was possible until I was at least 25. She is a mysterious book that I'd love to read when she lets me. I continue to pry and be "not cool" as much as possible. She has a strong artistic side that will lead her somewhere special. My greatest hope for her is that these next few years she keeps that strong sense of self and her quick wit. I continue to find her so lovely to be around and when she's not, I try and remember this is normal. She's just getting her wings!
Gord is still that guy you had a long list of complaints about. I know he challenged you by not taking the path the rest of us did and NOT arguing with you when it was just easier to let you have your way. I will admit that I don't miss being stuck in the middle of you two and your power struggles. I know that even as you were leaving us you worried that maybe Gord wasn't the right for me but after thinking about it for awhile, I realized he wasn't the right guy for you. You wouldn't appreciate the humor in that but I do! Know that he is my best friend and I love him. I accept him the way he is because he does the same for me and lets me grow and become who I need to be. We'll be married 17 years this summer Mom.
Dad is doing really great. He works a lot still but he's finally decided to retire. We have plans to take a vacation, the whole family, to somewhere warm next December. Dad and I are going to visit your sisters next week. We started this a month after you died and it was a relief to get away from the farm and the grief and be with your sisters. They remind me of you and it's comforting and being with them is like being home. I enjoy it so much and I really like being with Dad. I wasn't sure how we would travel together but we are 2 peas in a pod. Easy going and just needing bathroom and coffee/tea breaks going up the coastal highway. He talks about you when we are there and remembers all the special memories and I think its therapeutic for us both! The added bonus is it's spring time there and they have green grass.
Me for last. I am working again and it is very satisfying and equally exhausting. I'm having some troubles again with pain so I'm going back to Dr Cho and my back isn't ever going to be normal but I am thankful for the good days I am having. My fusion is healthy so that is a bonus. I am living life differently. I enjoy the little things and take pleasure in most things. What a joy it is to be active and able to be with my kids. That drive I used to have that kept me going a full speed has quieted so I can enjoy more and slow down. I'm also not sure how long my health will last so I'm taking advantage of the good times by travelling a lot, working a little and doing all the Mom running around.
Not a day goes by when I don't think of you and wish you were here.
Love you always,
Jen
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Prince Charming
"You know that you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams" Dr. Suess
I'd limped through my second year of college, barely passing my classes. I had a good reason though. He was about 6 weeks old and kept me up day and night. The feeding, laundry and panic of being a new mother didn't allow time for studying and cramming for exams. I wasn't alone thankfully. Living at home with my parents meant I didn't cook meals or have a house to clean. I would experience that joy in about 6 years when my second daughter arrived. I figured out nursing and spent many nights sitting in the living room where I had grown up, feeding an insatiable baby and wondering what people my age were doing. They were travelling the world, partying and going to school. It was about this time when the disappointment in myself really settled in. There is something about those wee, lonely hours of the night that give you too much time to think about the mistakes and regrets. I was disappointed that I had somehow become a statistic, a 19 year old teenage mother and I felt I was smarter than that. I promised myself not to get sidetracked again.
The summer before, when I had first found out I was pregnant, I was a summer student. I finished the summer, off to have a baby and engaged to be married. The baby couldn't be "called off" so he arrived in February but the wedding was scrapped, as was the guy.
The summer job was available again and although Jared was only 2 months old, I headed back to full time work. Again, my family was supportive and my Mom took care of Jared while I was at the office from 7:30-4:30 everyday. My Dad and her had fought about me returning to work. Mom said I needed to be home caring for my new baby. Dad said I needed to work because that was what I was going to be doing the rest of my life to support this baby.
There was this boy at work who was on the other side of the office. He was very kind because the summer before, when I had horrid morning sickness, he would bring me crackers at my desk. We weren't really friends but we chatted. Summer #2, I found out he loved babies. When I say he loved babies, he asked me everyday for Jared updates and wanted to see pictures. One day my Mom and Jared stopped by the office to say hi and this guy, who I worked with, ran out of the office and literally grabbed Jared out of his car seat. My mother was not impressed. We'll call that 'foreshadowing." We started eating lunch together, had a golf game with friends and he came with me to buy a car seat. Have I mentioned he was 19?? It was at that dinner that I realized he was relationship material. He changed Jared's diaper so I could eat my dinner. Prince Charming had arrived on the scene.
If I had known then, what I know now, I wouldn't have spent so much time being worried about if I was making another mistake. We were married about 2 years after that summer. It was incredibly unfortunate that things started off so badly but I'm sure those first few years were weaving us together in a way that we couldn't be torn apart.
I'd limped through my second year of college, barely passing my classes. I had a good reason though. He was about 6 weeks old and kept me up day and night. The feeding, laundry and panic of being a new mother didn't allow time for studying and cramming for exams. I wasn't alone thankfully. Living at home with my parents meant I didn't cook meals or have a house to clean. I would experience that joy in about 6 years when my second daughter arrived. I figured out nursing and spent many nights sitting in the living room where I had grown up, feeding an insatiable baby and wondering what people my age were doing. They were travelling the world, partying and going to school. It was about this time when the disappointment in myself really settled in. There is something about those wee, lonely hours of the night that give you too much time to think about the mistakes and regrets. I was disappointed that I had somehow become a statistic, a 19 year old teenage mother and I felt I was smarter than that. I promised myself not to get sidetracked again.
The summer before, when I had first found out I was pregnant, I was a summer student. I finished the summer, off to have a baby and engaged to be married. The baby couldn't be "called off" so he arrived in February but the wedding was scrapped, as was the guy.
The summer job was available again and although Jared was only 2 months old, I headed back to full time work. Again, my family was supportive and my Mom took care of Jared while I was at the office from 7:30-4:30 everyday. My Dad and her had fought about me returning to work. Mom said I needed to be home caring for my new baby. Dad said I needed to work because that was what I was going to be doing the rest of my life to support this baby.
There was this boy at work who was on the other side of the office. He was very kind because the summer before, when I had horrid morning sickness, he would bring me crackers at my desk. We weren't really friends but we chatted. Summer #2, I found out he loved babies. When I say he loved babies, he asked me everyday for Jared updates and wanted to see pictures. One day my Mom and Jared stopped by the office to say hi and this guy, who I worked with, ran out of the office and literally grabbed Jared out of his car seat. My mother was not impressed. We'll call that 'foreshadowing." We started eating lunch together, had a golf game with friends and he came with me to buy a car seat. Have I mentioned he was 19?? It was at that dinner that I realized he was relationship material. He changed Jared's diaper so I could eat my dinner. Prince Charming had arrived on the scene.
If I had known then, what I know now, I wouldn't have spent so much time being worried about if I was making another mistake. We were married about 2 years after that summer. It was incredibly unfortunate that things started off so badly but I'm sure those first few years were weaving us together in a way that we couldn't be torn apart.
19 years old...
My son turning 19 this week has inspired this blog. Do you know that Sheryl Crow song "My Favorite Mistake?" It might seem inappropriate or not politically correct to refer to your child as a mistake but he was. An unexpected surprise, the greatest gift that changed my life but first, a mistake. I was 19 years old and with the wrong person. I was in University to become a teacher. I had this double life. Professionally, I was a successful student, I had received a first year education award and I knew I would be a happy teacher. Personally, I was struggling in a relationship that had run it's course. I was unfulfilled with someone who didn't match me in so many ways but whom I was ridiculously in love with. I was changing though because I was being exposed to different ideas and people and the possibilities that life was so much bigger for me than the small town where I had grown up. These changes were causing tension and the relationship was becoming toxic and meaningless. I should have, could have ended things but I didn't. At just 19 years old, the same age he is now, I found out I was pregnant. The relationship only lasted a few more months and I found myself an expecting, single, second year education student. My family was amazing. My Mom listened to the tears and agony for months. Literally months. I moved home and drove an hour each way to College until I couldn't drive safely by myself anymore. I was completely isolated from my friends because I chose to be. Hiding was easier than hearing about all I was missing. Through all the pain and heartbreak and feeling totally abandoned this miracle was happening inside of me. I was growing a son. When I couldn't fit in the desks at college anymore, I stopped going to class and about 3 weeks later, after 16 agonizing hours of natural labor, I gave birth to a 7 pound 12 ounce bundle of sheer joy. I was terrified when everyone had gone home and I was in the hospital by myself, with this newborn. What the hell had I got myself into? The terror quickly gave way to exhaustion and the realization I was in love. It was so much better to introduce my new son to people than have them stare at my swollen belly. He saved me in a lot of ways. I might have spent years going down the wrong path and maybe, I would have wasted years of my life. Instead, I became focused on providing a good life for this little, squirmy, hungry boy. It took all my energy and strength and I was still sad but I had something to be proud of instead of ashamed of. He will always be, my favorite mistake.
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