Prince Charming

"You know that you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams" Dr. Suess

I'd limped through my second year of college, barely passing my classes. I had a good reason though. He was about 6 weeks old and kept me up day and night. The feeding, laundry and panic of being a new mother didn't allow time for studying and cramming for exams. I wasn't alone thankfully. Living at home with my parents meant I didn't cook meals or have a house to clean. I would experience that joy in about 6 years when my second daughter arrived. I figured out nursing and spent many nights sitting in the living room where I had grown up, feeding an insatiable baby and wondering what people my age were doing. They were travelling the world, partying and going to school. It was about this time when the disappointment in myself really settled in. There is something about those wee, lonely hours of the night that give you too much time to think about the mistakes and regrets. I was disappointed that I had somehow become a statistic, a 19 year old teenage mother and I felt I was smarter than that. I promised myself not to get sidetracked again.
The summer before, when I had first found out I was pregnant, I was a summer student. I finished the summer, off to have a baby and engaged to be married. The baby couldn't be "called off" so he arrived in February but the wedding was scrapped, as was the guy.
The summer job was available again and although Jared was only 2 months old, I headed back to full time work. Again, my family was supportive and my Mom took care of Jared while I was at the office from 7:30-4:30 everyday. My Dad and her had fought about me returning to work. Mom said I needed to be home caring for my new baby. Dad said I needed to work because that was what I was going to be doing the rest of my life to support this baby.
There was this boy at work who was on the other side of the office. He was very kind because the summer before, when I had horrid morning sickness, he would bring me crackers at my desk. We weren't really friends but we chatted. Summer #2, I found out he loved babies. When I say he loved babies, he asked me everyday for Jared updates and wanted to see pictures. One day my Mom and Jared stopped by the office to say hi and this guy, who I worked with, ran out of the office and literally grabbed Jared out of his car seat. My mother was not impressed. We'll call that 'foreshadowing." We started eating lunch together, had a golf game with friends and he came with me to buy a car seat. Have I mentioned he was 19?? It was at that dinner that I realized he was relationship material. He changed Jared's diaper so I could eat my dinner. Prince Charming had arrived on the scene.
If I had known then, what I know now, I wouldn't have spent so much time being worried about if I was making another mistake. We were married about 2 years after that summer. It was incredibly unfortunate that things started off so badly but I'm sure those first few years were weaving us together in a way that we couldn't be torn apart.

19 years old...

My son turning 19 this week has inspired this blog. Do you know that Sheryl Crow song "My Favorite Mistake?"  It might seem inappropriate or not politically correct to refer to your child as a mistake but he was. An unexpected surprise, the greatest gift that changed my life but first, a mistake. I was 19 years old and with the wrong person. I was in University to become a teacher. I had this double life. Professionally, I was a successful student, I had received a first year education award and I knew I would be a happy teacher. Personally, I was struggling in a relationship that had run it's course. I was unfulfilled with someone who didn't match me in so many ways but whom I was ridiculously in love with. I was changing though because I was being exposed to different ideas and people and the possibilities that life was so much bigger for me than the small town where I had grown up. These changes were causing tension and the relationship was becoming toxic and meaningless. I should have, could have ended things but I didn't. At just 19 years old, the same age he is now, I found out I was pregnant. The relationship only lasted a few more months and I found myself an expecting, single, second year education student. My family was amazing. My Mom listened to the tears and agony for months. Literally months. I moved home and drove an hour each way to College until I couldn't drive safely by myself anymore. I was completely isolated from my friends because I chose to be. Hiding was easier than hearing about all I was missing. Through all the pain and heartbreak and feeling totally abandoned this miracle was happening inside of me. I was growing a son. When I couldn't fit in the desks at college anymore, I stopped going to class and about 3 weeks later, after 16 agonizing hours of natural labor, I gave birth to a 7 pound 12 ounce bundle of sheer joy. I was terrified when everyone had gone home and I was in the hospital by myself, with this newborn. What the hell had I got myself into? The terror quickly gave way to exhaustion and the realization I was in love. It was so much better to introduce my new son to people than have them stare at my swollen belly. He saved me in a lot of ways. I  might have spent years going down the wrong path and maybe, I would have wasted years of my life. Instead, I became focused on providing a good life for this little, squirmy, hungry boy. It took all my energy and strength and I was still sad but I had something to be proud of instead of ashamed of. He will always be, my favorite mistake.