19 years old...

My son turning 19 this week has inspired this blog. Do you know that Sheryl Crow song "My Favorite Mistake?"  It might seem inappropriate or not politically correct to refer to your child as a mistake but he was. An unexpected surprise, the greatest gift that changed my life but first, a mistake. I was 19 years old and with the wrong person. I was in University to become a teacher. I had this double life. Professionally, I was a successful student, I had received a first year education award and I knew I would be a happy teacher. Personally, I was struggling in a relationship that had run it's course. I was unfulfilled with someone who didn't match me in so many ways but whom I was ridiculously in love with. I was changing though because I was being exposed to different ideas and people and the possibilities that life was so much bigger for me than the small town where I had grown up. These changes were causing tension and the relationship was becoming toxic and meaningless. I should have, could have ended things but I didn't. At just 19 years old, the same age he is now, I found out I was pregnant. The relationship only lasted a few more months and I found myself an expecting, single, second year education student. My family was amazing. My Mom listened to the tears and agony for months. Literally months. I moved home and drove an hour each way to College until I couldn't drive safely by myself anymore. I was completely isolated from my friends because I chose to be. Hiding was easier than hearing about all I was missing. Through all the pain and heartbreak and feeling totally abandoned this miracle was happening inside of me. I was growing a son. When I couldn't fit in the desks at college anymore, I stopped going to class and about 3 weeks later, after 16 agonizing hours of natural labor, I gave birth to a 7 pound 12 ounce bundle of sheer joy. I was terrified when everyone had gone home and I was in the hospital by myself, with this newborn. What the hell had I got myself into? The terror quickly gave way to exhaustion and the realization I was in love. It was so much better to introduce my new son to people than have them stare at my swollen belly. He saved me in a lot of ways. I  might have spent years going down the wrong path and maybe, I would have wasted years of my life. Instead, I became focused on providing a good life for this little, squirmy, hungry boy. It took all my energy and strength and I was still sad but I had something to be proud of instead of ashamed of. He will always be, my favorite mistake.