Dear Mom...

Dear Mom,
It's spring break for the girls and the last few days we took at road trip to the mountain's to ski. Today, driving home we passed the Three Sisters and I thought of you. I couldn't sleep tonight and I've been thinking of you so much, so I thought I could write you a letter.
The first thing is I can't believe the 2 year anniversary of your death is coming up soon. I think back two years ago and wonder what we were doing? I can feel the anguish and see you in your hospital bed at home but I can't really remember what was happening. I find it funny that when I think of you I never think about you being sick or how you looked when you passed away but I see the vibrant you with your beautiful red hair, makeup done and jewelry on. I want you to know that I wear that jewelry now and I feel like you're with me somehow. I still have a really hard time wearing your 40th anniversary ruby because it was your last gift from Dad at Christmas and I know how excited you were to get that. I save it for special occasions.
There are so many things that have happened in 2 years. First of all, Ryan got married to an amazing and wonderful woman named Rachael. You would love her. You might have gone a little crazy with the wedding and we laugh about how "easy" Ryan had things when it came to planning because Dad isn't very difficult to work with. They had a beautiful day, being married at the farm and you were there with us. We kept you close.
Secondly, the kids. There are so many days and times I think of how it's not fair that you are missing all the wonderful moments with my kids. We all miss you. Emily was just talking about you today about what a good sewer you were and how you would have known how to fix her yoga pants that have a hole in the knee. Mom, she is just as busy and challenging as she was at 2. Mostly, she is a joy and too smart for her own good. She is just about done Grade 6 and she wants to be so grown up. She reminds me of myself that way. I need to remind her to enjoy the moment more and not always wish it was something else. She might also have the Parker perfection gene which adds to her frustration at the rest of us mere mortals. I know exactly what you would say about that, and we wouldn't agree but you'd tell me anyways. She has a lot of complaints and you were always the one who understood the challenges of being the baby of the family. I know she misses that.
Jared is in his first year mechanics and right now he's going to college for 8 weeks to do the schooling portion. I'm so proud of him. There have been so many amazing moments with that kid in the past 2 years. He graduated high school and it was bitter sweet. I know, more that anyone else,  you wanted to be there for that day. Everyone who loved him came and we celebrated that he made it! I had a party in the backyard just like you would have had to celebrate a special day. He was busy at the school doing "graduate" things and we filled the backyard with family and friends and had a BBQ without him. Strange but it worked. He walked across that stage and I was so proud of him. He then started working full time and here we are 9 months later and he's almost done his first year! He's becoming a grown-up. He's lived at home this year and had his Dad to guide him in the money area and selfishly, I love having him here so I know he's okay. As he walked out the door this week for school, I actually asked him where his coat was because he wasn't wearing one and it was -10. I got the "look" and realized he's 19, he can wear whatever he wants. I see his wings are almost ready to fly and I will happily send food and money to wherever he decides to go. The next year should be very interesting and my heart will break a little to let him go but that's what Mom's do, they let go. You taught me that by not letting go and driving me crazy:)
Kate. My beautiful girl who is quiet and non-adventurous. She doesn't like trying new things or new people. Of course she as a teenage life that is completely hidden from us and our nosy questions. She has started to separate herself to try and find out who she is. So far, when I don't want to lock her in her room forever because she argues, I love her funny personality and confidence. Mom, she has this self assuredness that I didn't even realize was possible until I was at least 25. She is a mysterious book that I'd love to read when she lets me. I continue to pry and be "not cool" as much as possible. She has a strong artistic side that will lead her somewhere special. My greatest hope for her is that these next few years she keeps that strong sense of self and her quick wit. I continue to find her so lovely to be around and when she's not, I try and remember this is normal. She's just getting her wings!
Gord is still that guy you had a long list of complaints about. I know he challenged you by not taking the path the rest of us did and NOT arguing with you when it was just easier to let you have your way. I will admit that I don't miss being stuck in the middle of you two and your power struggles. I know that even as you were leaving us you worried that maybe Gord wasn't the right for me but after thinking about it for awhile, I realized he wasn't the right guy for you. You wouldn't appreciate the humor in that but I do! Know that he is my best friend and I love him. I accept him the way he is because he does the same for me and lets me grow and become who I need to be. We'll be married 17 years this summer Mom.
Dad is doing really great. He works a lot still but he's finally decided to retire. We have plans to take a vacation, the whole family, to somewhere warm next December. Dad and I are going to visit your sisters next week. We started this a month after you died and it was a relief to get away from the farm and the grief and be with your sisters. They remind me of you and it's comforting and being with them is like being home. I enjoy it so much and I really like being with Dad. I wasn't sure how we would travel together but we are 2 peas in a pod. Easy going and just needing bathroom and coffee/tea breaks going up the coastal highway. He talks about you when we are there and remembers all the special memories and I think its therapeutic for us both! The added bonus is it's spring time there and they have green grass.
Me for last. I am working again and it is very satisfying and equally exhausting. I'm having some troubles again with pain so I'm going back to Dr Cho and my back isn't ever going to be normal but I am thankful for the good days I am having. My fusion is healthy so that is a bonus. I am living life differently. I enjoy the little things and take pleasure in most things. What a joy it is to be active and able to be with my kids. That drive I used to have that kept me going a full speed has quieted so I can enjoy more and slow down. I'm also not sure how long my health will last so I'm taking advantage of the good times by travelling a lot, working a little and doing all the Mom running around.
Not a day goes by when I don't think of you and wish you were here.
Love you always,
Jen